


No Light No Light

by ununpentium



Series: Ceremonials [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post Reichenbach, SPOILERS FOR THE REICHENBACH FALL, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-17
Updated: 2012-01-17
Packaged: 2017-10-29 17:34:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/322395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununpentium/pseuds/ununpentium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's private blog entries to Sherlock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Light No Light

21st August 2012  
It’s been two months since your funeral, Sherlock. I feel stupid sitting here by myself typing to you, but Ella suggested it (again) and so I thought I’d give it a go. God this is stupid.

 

5th September 2012  
I hate you for being dead.

 

18th December 2012  
I can’t sleep now, you know that? There’s this empty space in my bed (your bed… our bed). Every night it expands and I feel like I’m going to fall into it and I’m just left crying and clinging to the edge of the mattress. The nightmares have returned but all I see is you falling; always falling but never hitting the ground.

 

28th December 2012  
I couldn’t go back to Baker Street. It felt like my heart was being ripped into pieces every time I looked around and saw the evidence of our life together. It felt like you were about to walk through the door at any minute- you had to, because you had an unfinished experiment on the kitchen table. You’d never leave it unfinished. I couldn’t move in with Harry though. She doesn’t understand what we had and I can’t talk about you to anyone, not anymore. I’m afraid that the more I give away of you to other people, the less there will be left for me. I’m back in another beige, lifeless bedsit. That’s the colour of my life now. When you died you took with you all of the reds, purples, blues. I’m left with a sepia world.

 

23rd January 2013  
They fired me from work at the surgery. Well, not so much fired, but they called me in less and less until this morning when they said I was no longer needed. I could hear the sympathy in her voice; they all know what happened to you. I’m no good as a doctor anymore. I couldn’t save you Sherlock, I can’t save anyone else. They noticed that. I’m the guy that couldn’t save his best friend.

 

3rd March 2013  
You were the most important person in my life, I hope you knew that. Every time I looked at you, I tried to make it obvious. Everything I did for you was borne out of love and I thought we had all the time in the world. How wrong I was.

 

15th June 2013  
You died a year ago today. I couldn’t shake the image from my head of you lying there, dead on the pavement. Your eyes… god, Sherlock. Those gorgeous blue eyes- the light had gone from them. I was sitting on the bus to the cemetery staring into your lifeless eyes; I could still feel my fingers pressed to your wrist, trying to find a pulse. Why wouldn’t they let me help? I kept saying I was a doctor, over and over, but it was like they were holding me back. I don’t understand.

 

12th May 2014  
I don’t think people can see me anymore. It’s like I’m disappearing from plain sight. You made me visible, but now you’re gone. I walk to the shop to get food and people bump into me. They don’t even apologise.  I feel like a ghost walking around this city. I need you.

 

14th June 2015  
The light has gone. Sherlock… I’ve tried. I’ve really tried but I can’t live without you. I’m sorry. I’ll see you soon, my love.

 

16th June 2015  
John. One more day, just one more day and we would have seen each other again. Leaving you was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but it was all for you. Now I am the one left behind and I truly realise the pain you felt. I don’t think I shall ever be able to forgive myself. I deeply regret not being able to say goodbye, and that my last ever words to you were a lie. If we had our time over I would have told you that I loved you, and that you were the most important person in my life. I was always coming back for you, John. SH

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on the song No Light No Light by Florence + The Machine. You can listen to it here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGH-4jQZRcc&ob=av2n
> 
>  _You are the hole in my head  
>  You are the space in my bed  
> You are the silence in between  
> What I thought and what I said  
> You are the nighttime fear  
> You are the morning when it's clear  
> When it's over, you're the start  
> You're my head and you're my heart_
> 
>  _No light, no light  
>  In your bright blue eyes  
> I never knew daylight could be so violent  
> A revelation in the light of day  
> You can't choose what stays and what fades away  
> And I'd do anything to make you stay  
> No light, no light  
> Tell me what you want me to say_
> 
>  _To the crowd I was crying out and  
>  In your place there were a thousand other faces  
> I was disappearing in plain sight  
> Heaven help me, I need to make it right  
> _


End file.
